42. Going on a Bug Hunt

The Ultimate English Pyramid Game has been successfully transferred to FM26. What in the UI is going on here? It all looks a bit different...

It was a normal Tuesday late afternoon in February. Spring had come early in this part of Yorkshire, the sun was shining and the temperatures well into double figures. I decided to get to Glen Road a bit early before the lads arrived for their training session. 

I got out the bag of balls and cones to set up the training session. Today we were practising set pieces and doing some work on team shape so each player knew where he had to be when we were both in and out of possession. I took the balls and cones onto the Glen Road pitch to set up. As I walked towards the ground I noticed the pitch was full of birds ranging from huge flocks of Starlings to Crows and Blackbirds. Near one of the corner flags there was even a pair if squirrels foraging in the turf.. While this would have made a lovely scene on "Springwatch" this was not what I expected to see on an unseasonably warm Tuesday evening in February.

As I entered the pitch of course the flock of birds en masse were frightened off, while the two squirrels scampered off up the tree behind the goal. Hmmm 

I stepped onto the pitch and started to lay the cones out. I looked at the slightly muddy grass near the centre circle and noticed a small, white grub crawling. I placed a cone over it. I noticed as I started to move away to place the next cone, there was a grub on my jacket.. I flicked it off onto the ground. Then another on the floor.. One had crawled onto the side of the cone. I placed another cone and noticed  that I'd covered about 10 of them with one cone..Suddenly I scoured a small area of the pitch and noticed to my despair There were hundreds of them!!!! Hundreds of white bugs on the Glen Road pitch! Where had all these bugs suddenly come from?

I stamped my feet to crush them but there was too many and as I disturbed the grass more of them seemed to appear. Small white bugs like little caterpillars. I noticed a small flock of Starlings had started to congregate again in one of the goalmouths.  Perhaps they were eating the bugs? Maybe that's why the pitch was full of birds when I arrived? 

I walked 20 yards towards the touchline and noticed it was the same.  hundreds of these little white creepy crawlies amongst the grass. I walked to the touchline near the white fence which surrounds the pitch and there were just a few but  not as many as in the centre of the pitch. 

Now I'm no David Attenborough but I know that as we are in England, they are unlikely to be harmful to us.. but they really shouldn't be there and what damage could they do to the pitch?.. What is going on? I marched down to one of the penalty areas.. the penalty box was full of them.. What should I do? I looked up towards the farm which overlooked the ground and whose farmer had once helped clear snow off the pitch around three years ago.. He might know?

I made the walk up the public footpath and knocked on his door. As I glanced down the hill to Glen Road I noticed the flocks of birds had started to re-congregate on the pitch. I think I could even make out a fox running under the white fence.

The farmer answered. He instantly recognised me and agreed to come and have a look. 

"Theyre chafer grubs, he confirmed. Theyre little buggers I'll tell you. Got rid of a load from one of my fields a few months back. They must've come onto your pitch instead. You need rid of um though fast.. They'll eat the roots of the grass and you won't have a pitch left.. and that's just the start of it.. All those birds, starlings, crows, foxes they'll come to eat them but will churn up your pitch with their beaks and claws worse than 22 footballers ever could..."

He pulled out his phone. Contact this guy he'll sort em' out for you. Robert Humphreys Pest controller. 

"Meanwhile.. you can borrow a scarecrow off me which'll help keep the birds off ya grass while its sorted.

"Thankyou."

He popped back to the farm and travelled down in his car with flippin Wurzel Gummidge in the back seat, its head poking out one of the back windows.

The farmer brought the scarecrow out of the car and planted it in the centre circle of the pitch.

Just as we were doing this some of the lads started arriving for training wondering what the hell was going on. 

"Is he our new signing boss?" joked Joe Wilkinson pointing at the scarecrow.

"Aye he'd move a bit quicker than you in defence." piped up Harry Wood.

Wilkinson bent down to sling a bit of mud in retaliation at his cheeky teamate and suddenly did a double take.. 

"Euughh! What are those white things..? F%£#@in hell theres millions of them."

The other lads started to look down at the surrounding pitch.

"Bloody 'ell boss.  There's more bugs on 'ere than the new Footy Manager game..." remarked Sam Wright.

The other lads tittered before Wilkinson bent down and chucked one of the grubs at Harry Wood. The young striker retaliated by trying to pick up a handful of them.. until I intervened..

"Right lads..  as you can see we have a bit of a problem and I'm in the process of getting it sorted. What I suggest is we train somewhere else like Scatcherd Park.? 

"Too much dog muck."

"Lewisham Park?"

"Too many syringes."

"Hembrigg Park?

"Same as Lewisham.."

"I know Dartmouth Park..

"Yes!"

Nice big pitch there but just mind the kids play area near one of the goals.. and the dog muck.

"Yeah mind the pushchairs Harry" dug back Wilkinson to Harry Wood.

So the lads and coaches, Ernie Dyer and Joe Lamplough headed across town to train on the football pitch at Dartmouth Park, while I was left with the farmer, Wurzel Gummidge stood motionless in the centre circle and hundreds of chafer bugs being pecked at by the majority of Morley's Starling population... 

We had a home game coming up on Saturday against Marine U23s and at the moment we had no pitch to play on. An alternative solution needed to be found. 

I spoke to the chairman and the pest controller that the farmer had recommended. There was no way though the bug problem was going to be solved in time for Saturday.

I had an idea. Our old rivals, Gildersome Old Boys also played in Morley up at the school. Could they help?

"Hahahahahahaha f*** off" was the response when I phoned them and tried to explain the predicament. Footballing rivalries run deep in England, even at amateur and semi pro level..

What were our other options?

Farsley Celtic just up the ring road? Apparently they were having pitch problems of their own so they were quickly struck off the list.

Alwoodley was mentioned but they were also at home on Saturday against Bacup so the ground would not be available. Lepton Highlanders? 

Garforth Town? 

Campion?

Ossett United? 

Even Leeds United was mentioned, but would they let a bunch of semi-pro footballers loose on the hallowed Elland Road turf? Probably not..

Hmmm

We could just postpone the game, but at this late stage in the season when could it be rescheduled for to suit us and our opposition, Marine which for them was a long trip to West Yorkshire from Merseyside

We rang round a few clubs, but they were unwilling to help, or had home fixtures themselves. Then... one said yes.. Yorkshire Amateur..

Yorkshire Amateur play in the the North East Counties Division One, across the city in Chapeltown and happened to be playing away from home. It was agreed they would loan out their ground, Bracken Edge ground for us to play our fixture against Marine U23s for a small fee of course. 

Match 31 Morley Town v Marine U23s

The Scousers travel across to Bracken Edge in Chapeltown, down in 15^th, while we are in 2^nd place behind Ryburn. This is a landmark game as it is the first match on the new and much awaited FM26! Having navigated my way round the change of UI and remembered not to press the back button because it will mean I am back in the press conference room again...?? Anyways

I have managed to pick a team and even chosen the shape for when we have the ball and when we don’t. Cotteril returns from suspension, Ellis and Wood are up front.

Team: Oldham, Cotteril, Wilkinson, Bentley, Christie, Wright, Smith, Bett Wildsmith, Ellis, Mason, Preston

Subs: Thompson, Worsnop, Goulding, Tree, Wood

Marine U23s – Barrett, Cockerline, Ivison, Goss, Rose, Cook, Danns, Ackay, Reynolds, Gill, Grant

Match Action

We have the ball in the net when Livesey Mason’s cross is turned home by Ellis but he is offside.. Then the same two combine resulting in The Angel thudding the crossbar..

Then just as our luck has been recently we give the ball away cheaply and Marine take full advantage. Grant is picked out on the left which is slid across for Reynolds to crash the ball past Oldham. Bugger. We respond. Mason has a header clawed round the post by Barrett. Then Karlos Bett-Wildsmith advances down the right and his low cross finds Ellis in the area.. but Barrett manages to get a boot on it to deflect it wide. 1-0 down inexplicably at half time.

Into the second half and Marine go close to doubling their advantage, but Grant’s close range volley is well blocked by Oldham. Wright launches the ball forward, looking for the run of Livesey Mason. He gets the ball on the left touchline before cutting inside, beating his full back then another defender before smashing the ball past Barrett for a brilliant equaliser. Moments later we win a corner. The ball is cleared to Kevin Preston who jinks his way to the touchline His low near post cross is tapped home by Gabriel Ellis to turn the match on its head. We threaten to increase our lead with Kevin Preston leading the charge. Mason has a goal ruled out for offside and Worsnop puts a header just wide. Then.... Bentley fouls Gill and its a free kick to Marine. Up steps Madeley.. who curls the ball into the top corner for an undeserved equaliser. Joke.. It finishes Desmond but we really should have taken all three points but I’ll take this, judging it was the first match on the new Football Manager.

Final Score: Morley Town 2-2 Marine U23s

                     Mason  47                            Reynolds 11

                   Ellis 50                                    Madeley 80

Farnborough Town offer Interview

Farnborough Town, who are rock bottom of the National League have offered me a job interview. I have politely declined as moving clubs would defeat the object of the game.

Leeds-based Alwoodley kindly switched their fixture so we played them at their place, The "Community Association ground and after a bit of persuasion, the hierachy of the West Riding County FA reluctantly agreed.

Match 32 Morley Town v Alwoodley

This is a must-win game if we are to have any chance of automatic promotion. We are now 5 points off leaders, Ryburn with a game in hand. Our record against lowly Alwoodley is excellent and have so far beaten them every time we have played them in both this league and the amateur ones.

I restore Tony Thompson in goal after the 2-2 draw with Marine as he is the best goalkeeper at the club. Cotteril returns at right back after suspension.

Morley Town: Thompson, Cotteril, Wilkinson, Bentley, Christie, Wright, Smith, Preston, Ellis, Mason, Bett-Wildsmith

Subs: Oldham, Goulding, Wood, Tree, Worsnop

Alwoodley: Scott, Hutchings, McGrath, Newell, Burrows, Chambers, James, Jurado, Phillips, West, Lister

Match Action

The game starts with farcical scenes. Snow is covering the pitch, yet an orange ball cannot be found for love nor money. The only available balls are white. The players on both teams are not happy and the few hardy spectators who are stood in the freezing cold are even less so. As Alwoodley kick off with the invisible white ball, cries of

“What the f******* hell is going on?

and

“Where’s the f****** ball? Where’s the f****** ball? (Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep)”

This chant can be heard from the small crowd of ultras behind the goal.

It’s farcical the players simply cannot see the ball unless it is at very close quarters, or happens to be in a less covered part of the pitch, which were increasingly getting covered in snow..

This match should be abandoned surely.. As we are guests at Alwoodly's ground, it is not our call and Alwoodley see this as the best chance of beating us.

The snow eventually stops and the sun comes out, making conditions treacherous. Still though the game continues.. This is a joke. I instruct my players to shoot on sight as a way of trying to test the goalkeeper at every opportunity and reduce the number of passes in each attack.

We are dominant in the opening stages, but Sonny West has a run and cross down the left flank for Alwoodley and Phillips has a header but comfortably held by Thompson. Livesey Mason has a shot which goes into the sidenetting. Little else happens as even controlling the ball has become a problem for both sides.

Nil Nil at half time in atrocious conditions..

The snow does not relent but we keep playing. The visitors start the game strongest and force a good save from Thompson from Phillips shot. At the other end Mason has a low effort well saved.

Alwoodley’s left winger, Sonny West has been the best player on the park and his run and cross causes panic in the Morley defence. Phillips gets his head to the ball and it crashes against the post and we clear... That’s the closest either side came as the game peters out into a frustrating nil nil draw. Word also got through after the game that leaders Ryburn United had lost 1-0 to a last minute goal against Campion, meaning we missed our chance to go to within a point of them. Guess who we play next!

Final Score: Morley Town 0-0 Alwoodley 

Bug Update

There was some good news regarding our little chafer grub friends. The early March snow had done a better job than both the pest controller and the local Starling population put together in killing off the little blighters. Some had been forced to burrow their way deeper underground and out of sight from the surface of the pitch. Finally, after two matches away we could return home to Glen Road. 

Gateshead Offer Job Interview

My work at Morley Town has not gone unnoticed and League Two outfit, Gateshead have offered me an interview. I have politely declined due to the integrity of this story

League Table

 

The Run In

 

Just four matches remain.

 

20/03/27 – Ryburn (a)

 

03/04/27 – Campion (a)

 

17/04/27 Nelson (h)

 

24/04/27 BarnoldswickTown (h)

Match 33- Ryburn United v Morley Town

 

As the French say, this is “Le Crunch”.. top vs  second place and boy have us and Ryburn had some history over the years. This is a make or break game, no quarter asked no quarter given, all in the arena that is Ripponden Playing Fields, surrounded by the Pennine Hills on a rainy day in East Lancashire.

 

Morley: Thompson, Cotteril, Wilkinson, Bentley, Christie, Wright, Smith, Preston, Ellis, Livesey, Bett-Wildsmith

Subs: Oldham, Goulding, Worsnop, Tree, Wood,

Ryburn: Kennedy, Kelly, Lago, Cooper, Gigilo, Parisi, Fairclough, Scott, Holmes, Gitteh, Yoffe

Match 33- Ryburn United v Morley Town

 

As the French say, this is “Le Crunch”.. top vs  second place and boy have us and Ryburn had some history over the years. This is a make or break game, no quarter asked no quarter given, all in the arena that is Ripponden Playing Fields, surrounded by the Pennine Hills on a rainy day in East Lancashire.

 

Morley: Thompson, Cotteril, Wilkinson, Bentley, Christie, Wright, Smith, Preston, Ellis, Livesey, Bett-Wildsmith

 

Subs: Oldham, Goulding, Worsnop, Tree, Wood,

 

Ryburn: Kennedy, Kelly, Lago, Cooper, Gigilo, Parisi, Fairclough, Scott, Holmes, Gitteh, Yoffe

 

Match Action

 

It’s a scrappy opening with the league leaders dominating without creating much. On 13 minutes though from a throw in, Gigilo’s deep far post cross is met by the head of Dean Holmes who powers the ball past Thompson. 1-0 Ryburn.

 

We look a bit more lively and a looping header from Preston has Kennedy backpedalling to tip over the bar.

Other than that though it is the home side who are dominant and almost double their lead when Gitteh’s shot is turned round the post by Tony Thompson. 1-0 Ryburn at the break.

Into the second half. We look livelier after a rollicking at half time. Preston starts to look lively on the left while Mason also looks dangerous and his long range effort almost beats Kennedy. I thrown on Wood, Worsnop and Tree to try and make a difference.

The home side have always carried a threat, especially on the break and Gitteh gets down the left and squares the ball to Yoffe whose shot beats Thompson but pings off the inside of the post. Meanwhile we fail to create a clear cut chance and the game limps to a disappointing end and a narrow 1-0 defeat to the league leaders.

Final Score: Ryburn United 1-0 Morley Town

Holmes 14

Match 34 Morley Town v Campion

Our old foes Campion make the short trip down t’road for this crucial league fixture. We are in freefall after no win in 5 matches and where once we were battling for the title, even a playoff place is debatable due to our downturn in form. (I blame the new game lol)

Campion are in a lowly 14^th and just about keeping their heads above water, but as we know have the capacity to spring the odd surprise. No sign of the chafer grubs, so it's great to be back at our home ground.

Morley Town: Thompson, Cotteril, Wilkinson, Bentley, Christie, Wright, Tree, James, Mason, Ellis, Preston

Subs: Oldham, Goulding, Smith, Bett-Wildsmith, Wood

Campion: Mattam, Bailey, Rye, Richards, Baker, Hogg, Liversedge, Davidson, Hull, Iamnaldo, Kelly

Match Action

First attack we score! A nice passing move starting with Wilkinson at the back through midfield ends up with Sam Wright releasing Gabriel Ellis with a lovely through ball and he makes no mistake, slotting comfortably past the onrushing keeper. 1-0 Morley. The home side roar back though and full back Sam Bailey gets down the right and his low cross is turned home by Jordan Hull. 1-1. We start to attack with more purpose. Kevin Preston has a trademark run and shot which is well saved by the keeper. Then, we win a free kick which Tree passes short to Preston. The young winger pins his ears back and gets to the byeline before fizzing the ball across for The Angel to tap home his second of the game from close range. 2-1 Morley. Lee James has been quiet so far, but he bursts down the right flank before being upended. Free Kick. We play another short free kick, one straight from the training ground but Harry Tree can only find the side netting. 2-1 at half time.

 

Into the second half and it’s even Steven but we look in control of the game. Christie and Preston combine beautifully down the left flank, before the ball is worked inside to substitute Aaron Smith who waltzes into the box and sends the ball crashing into the top corner for a brilliant third goal. But.... Jordan Hull is sent down the left channel with a brilliant Sam Liversedge pass and his instant cross is turned home by the sliding Connor Kelly. 3-2. Fcuk.. Not to worry because The Angel is in one of those unplayable moods. A nice move down the right results in sub Bett-Wildsmith playing him in on the right corner of the area. He cuts inside before letting fly and the ball smacks the angle of post and bar before dropping into the net with the keeper well beaten. Brilliant! 4-2. We see it through with only minor scares and Ellis nearly makes it five when he tries to chip the keeper from range, but was saved. My first win on FM26 and this result has all but secured us a playoff spot.

Final Score: Campion 2-4 Morley Town

New Youth Intake

Its always exciting to welcome the new lambs into the Morley flock. Phil Doughty one of my youth coaches is very excited by this year’s crop of talent.

 

Lewis Green (GK)

Nail Dawes (DMC)

Francesca Farrugia (MLC/ST)

Fraser Greenfield (DC)

Richard Cummins (AML/ST)

Ciaran Johnson (DLC)

  

Match Action

We hit the ground running and after four minutes Christie releases Preston down the left whose fizzing low cross is tapped home from 3 yards by who else, Gabriel Ellis. Brilliant start. Nelson try to dominate but we look dangerous going forward and a fine move saw Ellis’ shot well saved by Town. The visitors have controlled possession and look neat and tidy on the ball, but from their perspective there has not been any end product, with Thompson not being forced into a serious save. Meanwhile at the other end, roared on by the Ultras we have looked dangerous. Another fine passing move sees Town claw away a fierce Harry Tree effort. The midfielder is looking for his first goal for Morley Town. We lead 1-0 at the break. Into the second half and it is much the same pattern as the first. Cotteril does well to clear one off the line, but other than that we thwart Nelson’s attacks with brave defending, throwing our bodies in front of shots, much to the delight of the home fans. Then we get our rewards. A long clearance from Sam Bentley causes chaos in the Nelson defence, allowing sub Aaron Smith to run onto the ball and casually half volley the ball past the advancing Town and into the corner of the net. Brilliant! We are in complete control and flood forward again. Kevin Preston has tormented his full back all afternoon and yet another mazy run results in him playing a sumptuous cross to Harry Tree at the far post who half volleys the ball powerfully home to register his first goal in a Morley Town shirt and to put the icing on the cake. Comfortably our best performance of the season and have made the NW Counties League Div 1 North playoffs for the second season in a row.

Morley Town 3-0 Nelson

 

Ellis 5

Smith 70

Tree 75

The good news is that we have made the playoffs, the bad news is that we now cannot win the title, due to Ryburn United’s 1-0 win over our final opponents, Barnoldswick Town and the fact that their final match is against second placed Nelson in a title showdown at Ripponden Playing Fields..

Match 36: Morley Town v Barnoldswick Town

With a playoff spot secured it is time to play the final league fixture and most importantly give our star players a rest. It provides us with the ideal opportunity to blood some youngsters and have give some minutes to fringe players in the squad. Youngsters Ciaran Johnson, Matt Stockton and Yibamathi Diamini make their Morley debuts. Barnoldswick have only pride to play for as they lie in 9^th place

 

Morley Town: Oldham, Worsnop, Goulding, Johnson, Diamini, Haylock, Haggett, James, Wood, O’Connor, Stockton

 

Subs: Green, Smith, Cummins, Christie, Cotterill

 

Barnoldswick: Kipikuri, Askew, Blackwell, Cumming-Bart, McRae, Gibbons, Sinton, Lawlor, Hanna, Stoneley 

Match 36: Morley Town v Barnoldswick Town

With a playoff spot secured it is time to plsy the final league fixture and most importantly give our star players a rest. It provides us with the ideal opportunity to blood some youngsters and have give some minutes to fringe players in the squad. Youngsters Ciaran Johnson, Matt Stockton and Yibamathi Diamini make their Morley debuts. Barnoldswick have only pride to play for as they lie in 9^th place

 

Morley Town: Oldham, Worsnop, Goulding, Johnson, Diamini, Haylock, Haggett, James, Wood, O’Connor, Stockton

 

Subs: Green, Smith, Cummins, Christie, Cotterill

 

Barnoldswick: Kipikuri, Askew, Blackwell, Cumming-Bart, McRae, Gibbons, Sinton, Lawlor, Hanna, Stoneley

Match Action

It’s an even start with both team giving as good as they are ge ing, although both teams have been restricted to long range efforts. On 21 minutes left winger, Matt Stockton picks up the ball and beats his full back. His low cross finds O’Connor who lays the ball off to Callumm Haggett inside the box who fires low and hard into the corner of the net. Good goal! 1-0 Morley. Barnoldswick hit back and force a corner which is floated in near post to Blackwell whose header thuds against the crossbar and is cleared. The visitors assert control and we have to sustain a spell of pressure. Harry Wood has taken a knock and so is replaced by another debutant, young forward, Richard Cummins. Stoneley is free in the area after a brilliantly worked move, but Oldham was equal to his low effort as most of Glen Road expected the Morley net to ripple. But..from the resulting corner on the stroke of half time, a near post corner is met by the head of Hanna which clanks off the post straight to Rhois Farmer who prods home the rebound. 1-1.

In the second half Barnoldswick carry on from where they left off. From a cleared corner O’Connor is tackled and Stoneley attacks down the right before his cross cum shot is palmed away by Oldham only to fall kindly once again for Farmer who smacks the ball into the empty net. Before we know it Barnoldswick attack again, this time through Gibbons who bursts down the right before squaring for Stoneley to sidefoot home number three. We spend the rest of the game attacking but to no avail. Worsnop has a late curling effort brilliantly saved by Kipikuri. But for a mad 15 minutes either side of half time we, the kids gave a good account of themselves. Now to the real business of the playoffs.

 

Final Score: Morley Town 1-3 Barnoldsick Town

 

Haggett 22                                 Farmer 45, 51

                                                     Stoneley 55

 

North West Counties Division One North Final League Table 2026/27 

Nelson win NW Division One North Title

On a dramatic day at Ripponden Wood Playing Fields, Nelson beat Ryburn 3-2 to snatch the NW Counties Division One North title on goal difference. 

Playoff Semi Final

Morley Town face a tricky tie against the scorned Ryburn United in the playoff semi final. 

Another year and another playoff campaign to navigate. Can Morley Town go one step further than last year and win promotion to the promised land of the North West Counties Premier? Find out next time on The Ultimate English Pyramid Game!